Image by: Amy Edwards
Ten Assertive Rights of an Individual
Answer the following questions in your journal. They are designed to help you assess your level of assertiveness.
A. How can I keep myself and others from being judgmental? Why is it so easy to judge another? How does my fear of judgment reduce my assertiveness?
B. Why do people demand a reason for others' behavior? How does constant rationalizing and defending my behavior affect my relationship with others?
C. How do I feel about being blamed for others' problems? How fair is this? What is the usual outcome of such blaming?
D. How comfortable am I with allowing others to have a change of mind? Why is it so important for others to be predictable? What is the worst thing that could happen if I changed my position midway through an argument?
E. How comfortable am I living in a situation in which the outcome is unknown? Why do I have such a great need for certainty in my decision making? How comfortable am I in taking risks?
F. Why is it so hard to admit to making a mistake? How well do I accept another's admission of making a mistake? What is the benefit of allowing others to make mistakes?
G. How easily do I express disapproval to others? How easily do I become devastated by such expressions of disappointment when they are pointed at me? Why does prior approval by others have to be a prerequisite before I take action?
H. What part does logic play in my life? Why does logic become so important in my arguments? How comfortable am I with the ``grays'' in life?
I. How important is mind reading in my life? How has unclear communication with others, assumptions, and jumping to wrong conclusions affected me in the past? How freely do I admit I don't understand the other person?
J. Why is perfection so important to me? How can I learn to live with another's imperfections? Why does it bother me to say, ``I don't care?''
Assertive Counterpart If I assert myself the results may be positive, negative, or neutral. However, since assertion involves legitimate rights, the odds of having positive results are in my favor.
Roadblock If I do assert myself and others do become angry with me, it will be awful; I will be devastated.
Assertive Counterpart Even if others become angry, I am capable of handling it without falling apart. If I assert myself when it is appropriate, I don't have to feel responsible for others' feelings. It may be their own problem.
Roadblock Although I prefer others to be straightforward with me, I am afraid that if I am open with them and say ``No,'' I will hurt them
Assertive Counterpart If I am assertive, others may or may not feel hurt. Others are not necessarily more fragile than I am. I prefer to be dealt with directly and quite likely others will too.
Roadblock If my assertion hurts others, I am responsible for their feelings
Assertive Counterpart Even if others are hurt by my assertive behavior, I can let them know I care for them while also being direct about what I want or need. Although at times, they will be taken aback by my assertive behavior, they are not so vulnerable and fragile that they will be shattered by it.
Roadblock It is wrong to turn down legitimate requests? Others will think I am selfish and won't like me.
Assertive Counterpart Even legitimate requests can be refused assertively. Sometimes, it is acceptable to consider my needs before others. I can't always please others.
Roadblock I must avoid making statements or asking questions that might make me look ignorant or stupid.
Assertive Counterpart It is okay to lack information or make a mistake; it just shows that I am human.
Roadblock Assertive people are cold and uncaring. If I am assertive I'll be so unpleasant that others won't like me.
Assertive Counterpart Assertive people are direct and honest and behave appropriately. They show a genuine concern for other people's rights and feelings as well as their own. Their assertiveness enriches their relationships with others.
One method of reducing anxiety is to acknowledge that anxious feelings are present. One may discover that others experience similar feelings under certain circumstances. If people can disclose their feelings of discomfort safely, they will find it unnecessary to expend so much energy disguising them; therefore, the anxiety will no longer interfere with the task at hand or impair their ability to cope in life.
(1) the inability to acknowledge or say positive things about oneself,
(2) the inability to accept compliments from others and
(3) the inability to give compliments to others.
Some people fear that positive self-statements seem egocentric. They fail to discriminate between the accurate representation of accomplishments and over exaggeration. Additionally, they may fear that once asserting themselves, they will have to live up to these expectations 100% of the time. Inability to self-disclose positively may hinder their opportunities. If they don't believe in themselves, it is unrealistic to expect others to believe in them.
People who are unable to receive compliments are indirectly damaging their self-respect. After several unsuccessful attempts, most people trying to give genuine compliments will hesitate, feeling uncomfortable in giving positive feedback. The intended recipient of the praise, no longer hearing positive feedback, may begin to question their self-worth.
Sometimes others may use insincere praise as a manipulative tool ("You are such a great worker; by the way, could you cut the lawn.") However, assuming that all positive feedback is insincere, manipulative, or misleading will hinder both the development of a healthy lifestyle and a positive self-concept. Positive feedback is a powerful tool in this sense.
Some people are unable to provide others with positive feedback. They may be unaware of the potential positive effects, e.g., greater rapport or satisfaction in life. Sometimes others have difficulty delivering praise because they fear making themselves vulnerable. They may be unable to elicit feelings easily and openly. Perhaps this is an alien behavior because they have never received positive feedback themselves. Or, maybe there is a risk involved in developing more honest, open relationships.
For whatever reason, modesty does not enhance mutually satisfying, spontaneous interpersonal relationships.
Lack of good, facilitative communication is apparent here. One must remember that individuals don't always respond in the same manner to the same situation.
This type of expectation will undoubtedly lead to guilt, resentment, hurt feelings, and misunderstanding within a relationship, assuming that others have known you long enough to know your mind or how you are thinking.
This myth, along with the others, facilitates neither self-respect nor the development of open, healthy relationships.
Men have been encouraged to act upon their needs and rights aggressively, to fill the ``macho'' or ``controlling'' role in a relationship. Gender role expectations can color behavior, often to the opposite extreme. Some men may be inappropriately passive, while social pressures often call for men to take an aggressive stand.
Gender role expectations limit people's options for acting appropriately upon their beliefs, needs, and rights. They close the door to spontaneous, sincere interactions.
People who cannot discuss their beliefs assertively are closing the door to honest expression. The opportunity for a potentially stimulating exchange, which may afford them an opportunity for self-growth, will not happen.
