Standing up for one's rights no matter what the circumstance.
Correcting the situation when one's rights are being violated.
Seeking respect and understanding for one's feelings about a particular situation or circumstance.
Interacting in a mature manner with those found to be offensive, defensive, aggressive, hostile, blaming, attacking, or otherwise unreceptive.
Direct, upfront, (not defensive or manipulative) behavior. Those using assertive behavior confront problems, disagreement, or personal discomforts head on, and their intent is unmistakable to others.
Verbal ``I'' statements, where individuals tell others how they feel about a situation, circumstance, or the behavior of others.
Taking the risk of being misunderstood as being aggressive, abrasive, or attacking.
Being able to protect one's rights while protecting and respecting the rights of others.
Risk-taking behavior that is not ruled by fear of rejection or disapproval, but is directed by the rational belief that "I deserve to stand up for my rights."
Rational thinking and the self-affirmation of personal worth, respect, and rights.
A healthy style in which to conduct interpersonal relationships.
Finding a ``win-win'' solution in handling problems between two individuals.
The ``you win and I lose'' solution is a passive solution where one individual gives up his rights to another. The ``you lose and I win'' solution is an aggressive solution where one individual ignores the rights of another in order to get his way. The ``you lose and I lose'' solution is a total passive solution where both individuals give up their rights. A healthy resolution is impossible. The ``you win and I win'' solution is an assertive solution where the rights of both parties are recognized, respected, and utilized in reaching a healthy compromise.
Ten Assertive Rights of an Individual
Assertive Right #1
I have the right to judge my own behavior, thoughts, and emotions and to take the responsibility for their initiation and consequence. The behavior of others may have an impact upon me, but I determine how I choose to react and/or deal with each situation. I alone have the power to judge and modify my thoughts, feelings, and behavior. Others may influence my decision, but the final choice is mine.
Assertive Right #2
I have the right to offer neither reason nor excuse to justify my behavior. I need not rely upon others to judge whether my actions are proper or correct. Others may state disagreement or disapproval, but I have the option to disregard their preferences or to work out a compromise. I may choose to respect their preferences and consequently modify my behavior. What is important is that it is my choice. Others may try to manipulate my behavior and feelings by demanding to know my reasons and by trying to persuade me that I am wrong, but I know that I am the ultimate judge.
Assertive Right #3
I have the right to judge whether I am responsible for finding solutions to others' problems. I am ultimately responsible for my own psychological well-being and happiness. I may feel concern and compassion and good will for others, but I am neither responsible for nor do I have the ability to create mental stability and happiness for others. My actions may have caused others' problems indirectly; however, it is still their responsibility to come to terms with the problems and to learn to cope on their own. If I fail to recognize this assertive right, others may choose to manipulate my thoughts and feelings by placing the blame for their problems on me.
Assertive Right #4
I have the right to change my mind. As a human being, nothing in my life is necessarily constant or rigid. My interests and needs may well change with the passage of time. The possibility of changing my mind is normal, healthy, and conducive to self growth. Others may try to manipulate my choice by asking that I admit error or by stating that I am irresponsible; it is nevertheless unnecessary for me to justify my decision.
Assertive Right #5
I have the right to say, "I don't know."
Assertive Right #6
I have the right to make mistakes and be responsible for them. To make a mistake is part of the human condition. Others may try to manipulate me, having me believe that my errors are unforgivable, that I must make amends for my wrongdoing by engaging in proper behavior. If I allow this, my future behavior will be influenced by my past mistakes, and my decisions will be controlled by the opinions of others.
Assertive Right #7
I have the right to be independent of the good will of others before coping with them. It would be unrealistic for me to expect others to approve of all my actions, regardless of their merit. If I were to assume that I required others' goodwill before being able to cope with them effectively, I would leave myself open to manipulation. It is unlikely that I require the goodwill and/or cooperation of others in order to survive. A relationship does not require 100% agreement. It is inevitable that others will be hurt or offended by my behavior at times. I am responsible only to myself, and I can deal with periodic disapproval from others.
Assertive Right #8
I have the right to be illogical in making decisions. I sometimes employ logic as a reasoning process to assist me in making judgments. However, logic cannot predict what will happen in every situation. Logic is not much help in dealing with wants, motivations, and feelings. Logic generally deals with "black or white," "all or none," and "yes or no" issues. Logic and reasoning don't always work well when dealing with the gray areas of the human condition.
Assertive Right #9
I have the right to say, "I don't understand."
Assertive Right #10
I have the right to say, "I don't care."
Journal Exercise on 10 Assertive Rights
Answer the following questions in your journal. They are designed to help you assess your level of assertiveness.
A. How can I keep myself and others from being judgmental? Why is it so easy to judge another? How does my fear of judgment reduce my assertiveness?
B. Why do people demand a reason for others' behavior? How does constant rationalizing and defending my behavior affect my relationship with others?
C. How do I feel about being blamed for others' problems? How fair is this? What is the usual outcome of such blaming?
D. How comfortable am I with allowing others to have a change of mind? Why is it so important for others to be predictable? What is the worst thing that could happen if I changed my position midway through an argument?
E. How comfortable am I living in a situation in which the outcome is unknown? Why do I have such a great need for certainty in my decision making? How comfortable am I in taking risks?
F. Why is it so hard to admit to making a mistake? How well do I accept another's admission of making a mistake? What is the benefit of allowing others to make mistakes?
G. How easily do I express disapproval to others? How easily do I become devastated by such expressions of disappointment when they are pointed at me? Why does prior approval by others have to be a prerequisite before I take action?
H. What part does logic play in my life? Why does logic become so important in my arguments? How comfortable am I with the ``grays'' in life?
I. How important is mind reading in my life? How has unclear communication with others, assumptions, and jumping to wrong conclusions affected me in the past? How freely do I admit I don't understand the other person?
J. Why is perfection so important to me? How can I learn to live with another's imperfections? Why does it bother me to say, ``I don't care?''
Roadblocks to Assertiveness
Roadblock
If I assert myself in any relationship, others will get mad at me.
Assertive Counterpart
If I assert myself the results may be positive, negative, or neutral. However, since assertion involves legitimate rights, the odds of having positive results are in my favor.
Roadblock
If I do assert myself and others do become angry with me, it will be awful; I will be devastated.
Assertive Counterpart
Even if others become angry, I am capable of handling it without falling apart. If I assert myself when it is appropriate, I don't have to feel responsible for others' feelings. It may be their own problem.
Roadblock
Although I prefer others to be straightforward with me, I am afraid that if I am open with them and say ``No,'' I will hurt them
Assertive Counterpart
If I am assertive, others may or may not feel hurt. Others are not necessarily more fragile than I am. I prefer to be dealt with directly and quite likely others will too.
Roadblock
If my assertion hurts others, I am responsible for their feelings
Assertive Counterpart
Even if others are hurt by my assertive behavior, I can let them know I care for them while also being direct about what I want or need. Although at times, they will be taken aback by my assertive behavior, they are not so vulnerable and fragile that they will be shattered by it.
Roadblock
It is wrong to turn down legitimate requests? Others will think I am selfish and won't like me.
Assertive Counterpart
Even legitimate requests can be refused assertively. Sometimes, it is acceptable to consider my needs before others. I can't always please others.
Roadblock
I must avoid making statements or asking questions that might make me look ignorant or stupid.
Assertive Counterpart
It is okay to lack information or make a mistake; it just shows that I am human.
Roadblock
Assertive people are cold and uncaring. If I am assertive I'll be so unpleasant that others won't like me.
Assertive Counterpart
Assertive people are direct and honest and behave appropriately. They show a genuine concern for other people's rights and feelings as well as their own. Their assertiveness enriches their relationships with others.
Six Myths Which Encourage Nonassertive Behavior
1. Anxiety:
Some people believe that overt signs of anxious behavior indicate weakness or inadequacy. These individuals assume that if they were to exhibit anxiety, they would be ridiculed, rejected, or taken advantage of by others. This is self-defeating, for the harder people try to camouflage anxious feelings, the harder it is to conceal the accompanying symptoms of trembling, sweating, flushing, etc.
One method of reducing anxiety is to acknowledge that anxious feelings are present. One may discover that others experience similar feelings under certain circumstances. If people can disclose their feelings of discomfort safely, they will find it unnecessary to expend so much energy disguising them; therefore, the anxiety will no longer interfere with the task at hand or impair their ability to cope in life.
2. Modesty:
This myth consists of three parts:
(1) the inability to acknowledge or say positive things about oneself,
(2) the inability to accept compliments from others and
(3) the inability to give compliments to others.
Some people fear that positive self-statements seem egocentric. They fail to discriminate between the accurate representation of accomplishments and over exaggeration. Additionally, they may fear that once asserting themselves, they will have to live up to these expectations 100% of the time. Inability to self-disclose positively may hinder their opportunities. If they don't believe in themselves, it is unrealistic to expect others to believe in them.
People who are unable to receive compliments are indirectly damaging their self-respect. After several unsuccessful attempts, most people trying to give genuine compliments will hesitate, feeling uncomfortable in giving positive feedback. The intended recipient of the praise, no longer hearing positive feedback, may begin to question their self-worth.
Sometimes others may use insincere praise as a manipulative tool ("You are such a great worker; by the way, could you cut the lawn.") However, assuming that all positive feedback is insincere, manipulative, or misleading will hinder both the development of a healthy lifestyle and a positive self-concept. Positive feedback is a powerful tool in this sense.
Some people are unable to provide others with positive feedback. They may be unaware of the potential positive effects, e.g., greater rapport or satisfaction in life. Sometimes others have difficulty delivering praise because they fear making themselves vulnerable. They may be unable to elicit feelings easily and openly. Perhaps this is an alien behavior because they have never received positive feedback themselves. Or, maybe there is a risk involved in developing more honest, open relationships.
For whatever reason, modesty does not enhance mutually satisfying, spontaneous interpersonal relationships.
3. Good Friend:
This myth assumes that others can read my mind based upon our past relationship, e.g.: "She should have known how I felt;" or, "My husband should have known how hard I have been working and given me Saturday morning free."
Lack of good, facilitative communication is apparent here. One must remember that individuals don't always respond in the same manner to the same situation.
This type of expectation will undoubtedly lead to guilt, resentment, hurt feelings, and misunderstanding within a relationship, assuming that others have known you long enough to know your mind or how you are thinking.
4. Obligation:
This myth indicates that some people disregard their personal needs and rights due to a belief in personal obligations to others. These people put others ahead of themselves. Obviously the others' needs cannot always be met; however, those who routinely neglect to express their needs and rights, and who find themselves imposed upon quite frequently, are being restrained by this belief in the myth of obligation. They are often unable to make requests of others they project that others feel the obligation to meet their needs, too.
This myth, along with the others, facilitates neither self-respect nor the development of open, healthy relationships.
5. Gender role myths:
Sometimes people behave in a particular manner due to various gender role expectations. This has been especially true for women. Is it feminine to be assertive or outspoken? The myth of obligation fits into this category, too. Due to erroneous expectations, many women are unable to refuse requests, even unreasonable ones. This may be true regardless of whether the request would interfere with their needs and rights.
Men have been encouraged to act upon their needs and rights aggressively, to fill the ``macho'' or ``controlling'' role in a relationship. Gender role expectations can color behavior, often to the opposite extreme. Some men may be inappropriately passive, while social pressures often call for men to take an aggressive stand.
Gender role expectations limit people's options for acting appropriately upon their beliefs, needs, and rights. They close the door to spontaneous, sincere interactions.
6. Strength of an issue:
It is sometimes risky to take a stand, even on issues about which people might feel quite strongly. It may be interpreted as pressuring others to accept one's beliefs, especially when discussing a controversial issue. People may not choose to take the risk of alienating themselves from others.
People who cannot discuss their beliefs assertively are closing the door to honest expression. The opportunity for a potentially stimulating exchange, which may afford them an opportunity for self-growth, will not happen.