Many times, professionals are asked, "What is domestic violence?" Most of the time, I think people are really asking, "Am I a victim of domestic violence?" or "Is my sister a victim?" They sense that something is "not right" in the relationship with a loved one, but, because they are not actually being physically harmed, this isn't domestic violence. It is.

Pushes for quick involvement. Comes on like a "whirlwind," claiming, "You're the only person I could ever talk to." He/she will pressure you to commit almost immediately and in such a way that you feel guilty if you want to slow down or break off.

Jealousy. Jealousy is not a sign of love; it is a sign of possessiveness and lack of trust. Calling constantly or visiting unexpectedly, checking the mileage on your car, or asking friends to watch you.

Controlling. Questions you intensely about where you were and whom you talked to, especially if you are "late." Controls all money, insists you ask permission before you go anywhere or do anything.

Isolation. Tries to cut you off from family and friends. Accuses people who are your supports of "causing trouble." May try to prevent you from having a car or a phone, or going to school or working.

Unrealistic Expectations. Expects you to be the perfect wife, mother, lover, friend.

Blaming. Blames others for problems or mistakes. Someone is always doing him/her wrong and it is always someone else's fault. Blames others for feeling. The abuser says, "You make me angry," not, "I am angry" or "You're hurting me by not doing what I want you to do."

Hypersensitivity. The abuser is easily insulted, claiming hurt feelings or takes the slightest setbacks as personal attacks. Rants about the injustice of things that are just a part of living, like getting a traffic ticket, being asked to help with chores, or being asked to work overtime.

Cruelty to animals or children. Kills or punishes small animals brutally. May expect children to do things that are far beyond their ability, like hitting a 3 year old for wetting a diaper, or teasing children until they cry.

"Playful" use of force during sex. Enjoys throwing you down or holding you down against your will during sex. Demanding sex, even when you are ill or tired.

Verbal abuse. Constantly criticizing or says things that are hurtful. Degrading, calls you ugly names, says that you are stupid and can't function alone.

Rigid sex roles. Expects you to serve, remain at home.

Sudden mood swings. "Dr Jekyll and Mr. Hyde." Switches from sweet to violent in minutes.

Past Battering. Admits to hitting a mate in the past, but claims the person "made me do it."

Threats of violence. Says things like, "I'll break your neck," and "I'll kill you." Dismisses those statements with, "Everybody talks that way" or "I didn't mean it."

These are signs of domestic violence. If you, or someone you know, is in a relationship where this kind of behavior is occurring, call us or ask them to consider calling us at 1-800-634-9893.

- Toni Dosik, Executive Director
Project Woman

The Broad Scope of Domestic Violence

According to the United Nations Declaration on the Elimination of Violence Against Women, the term "violence against women" can refer to "any act of gender-based violence that results in, or is likely to result in, physical, sexual or mental harm or suffering to women, including threats of such acts, coercion or abitrary deprivation of liberty, whether occurring in public or in private life." This violence includes, among other things, "physical, sexual, and psychological violence occurring in the family and in the general community, including battering, sexual abuse of female children, dowry-related violence, marital rape, female genital mutilation and other traditional practices harmful to women."

Some experts say that women are more likely to be killed by their male partners than by all other types of perpetrators combined. In an effort to stem the tide of spouse abuse numerous studies have been conducted. What was his childhood like? Was he violent during courtship? How does the batterer respond to treatment?

One thing experts have learned is that not all batters are alike. At one end of the scale is a man whose violence is sporadic. He does not use a weapon and has no history of abusing his mate. For him, a violent episode is out of character and seems to be motivated by external factors. At the other extreme is a man who has developed a chronic pattern of battering. His abuse is ongoing, and there is little, if any, sign of remorse.

However, the fact that there are different kinds of batterers does not mean that some forms of battering aren't serious. Indeed, any type of physical abuse can cause injury -- even death. Hence, the face that one man's frequent or less intense that another's does not make it excusable. There is simply no such thing as "acceptable" battering. What factors, though, might cause a man to physically abuse the woman he vowed to cherish for the rest of his life, or the girlfriend he's madly in love with?

The Family Connection

Not surprisingly, a number of physically abusive men were themselves raised in abusive families.

"Most batterers were brought up in domestic 'war zones'." writes Michael Groetsch, who has spent more than two decades researching spouse abuse. As babies and young children they grew up in hostile surroundings where emotional and physical violence were "normal."

According to one expert, a male who is raised in an environment "can absorb his father's contempt for women early in life. The boy learns that a man must always be in control of women and the way to get that control is to scare them, hurt them, and demean them. At the same time, he learns that the one sure win approval is to behave as his father does."

Understanding the Verbally Abusive Relationship

The information below is taken from "The Verbally Abusive Relationship, 2nd Edition: How to recognize it and how to respond" By: Patricia Evans

CH IV
The Abuser and the Abusive Relationship: A Look at [the abuser's] Reality I

By uncovering the unconscious rules of the power game and the methods by which it attains legitimacy, we are certainly in a position to briing about basic changes. -- Alice Miller

Since identifying non-physical abuse has proven to be extremely difficult for many people, we need to explore the abuser's reality as well as the attitude or approach he takes toward his partner. This exploration will reveal some identifying characteristics common to most abusers - male and female. It will also reaveal some conditions common to most abusive relationships.

The abuser knowns no real personal power, nor does he experience the security and self acceptance of genuine personal power. Consequently, he avoids his feelings of powerlessness by dominating and controlling his partner. The abuser is determined not to admit to his manipulation and control. If he did, he would come face to face with his own feelings.

The abuser rejects his partner's warmth and openness, because these are the very qualities which he fears in himself. These qualities mean vulnerability, and to abusers vulnerability can be tantamount to death.

Generally the non-physical abuser isn't thinking about the pain he is inflicting by the abuse. He may "win" a battle with manipulation or a convincing put-down without his partner even realizing a battle has taken place.

In contrast the physical abuser usually confuses his partner by admitting to his battering, apologizing, and saying he'll never do it again--then doing it again. In this case the partner out to know that what happened was real. She sees the scars. However, this is not always the case. As Susan Haraki, M.F.C.C., a former counselor with Battered Women's Alternatives in Concord, California, has pointed out, in some cases the abuser's denial is so deep that he can minimize the physical damage to almost nothing. This intense denial may confuse and distort the victim's own perceptions.

A partner of a verbal abuser who was in the process of recognizing that she was being verbally abused declared emphatically, "If you've never been in a verbally abusive relationship, you would have an extremely difficult time knowing what it's like. If you're in a verbally abusive relationship, you may have never recognized it.

The abuser's declarations of love are in direct contrast to the hurtful things he says. Since everyone wants to be loved, the partner is inclined to believe the abuser when he says, "I love you." After all, why would he say it if he didn't mean it? Possibly, in reality love means something different for an abuser in contrast to a non-abuser.

Some abusive men have frequently said:

I love you.

No one could ever love you as much as I do.

I'd never leave you

I'd never do anything to hurt you.

I just want you to be happy

It is important to remember that every abuser is different. Some abusers may be extremely overbearing and demanding, and some may be the opposite extreme --reclusive, only occasionally demanding, but very manipulative. Others may seem angry all the time. Some may involve themselves with other men, hunting or participating in other sports. Others may be loners.

The verbal abuser may show a few, many, or all of the following characteristics. Some of these characteristics by their nature, are very difficult to recognize. Also, the abuser may experience himself as opposite the way his partner experiences him. For example, he may blast her with angry accusations and describe himself as easygoing. The verbal abuser may be:

irritable
likely to blame his mate for his outbursts or actions
unpredictable (you never know what will anger him)
angry
intense
unaccepting of his mates feelings and views
unexpressive of warmth and empathy
controlling
silent and uncommunicative in private or, frequently, demanding or arguementative
a "nice guy" to others
competitive toward his partner
sullen
jealous
quick with come-backs or put-downs
critical
manipulative
explosive
hostile
unexpressive of his feelings

Usually the partner of a verbal abuser finds it difficult ot see her mate objectively and clearly. This is especially true if she does not realize that he is, so to speak, in a different reality. He is not seeking mutuality. He is seeking to control and dominate. his behavior may be so changeable that his partner is kept off balance and is confused without knowing it. It is helpful, therefore, to consider the relationship itself.

In an abusive relationship, only the illusion of an authentic relationship exists. In an abusive relationship certain positive conditions which are intrinsic to an authentic relationship are lacking. Conversely, certain negative conditions are present. Both of these are listed below. Following this list are detailed descriptions of these conditrions.

What is Present Is:
Inequality
Competition
Manipulation
Hostility
Control
Negation What is Lacking Is:
Equality
Partnership
Mutuality
Good will
Intimacy
Validation

Inequality Versus Equality
Since the verbal abuser needs to have power over his patner, he can not accept her as an dqual. He may, however, tell her that he does. Why can't he accept her as an equal? Because he would experience her equality as his inferiority. He would have to ask for what he wanted. He would be open to rejecrion. He would have to give up control and dominance. Control and dominance seem to give the abuser a sense of power, security, and identity as a male.

One way to identify a relationship of inequality is to determine whether or not the couple can set mutual goals and discuss them together. In an abusive relationship, the couple does not really plan together. Planning together requires mutuality and equality. Mutuality and dquality do not exist in the reality of an abuser. In an abusive relationship the partner may discover that her mate will not discuss long or short-term goals with her, nor is he willing, in some instances, even to make plans with her for a weekend. Neither personal goals nor plans for the future together are discussed and agreed upon in a mutually supportive way. The inequality within an abusive relationship is frustrating for the abuser's mate. Verbal abusers block discussions because they are not willing to talk with their mates on an equal basis. The abuser prevents thepossibility of mutual support and planning together an so deprives himself and his partner of the many benefits that such a partnership would bring.

Much of the confusion that the partners of abusers experience in trying to understand these interactions can be cleared up once they understand that the real issue is that their mates are not willing to accept them as equals.

Competition Versus Partnership
Competition is intrinsic to the reality of an abuser. Conversely, contributions are unacceptable. Anything achieved by the partner is seen as a threat by the abuser. The abuser's worth is derived from a sense of one-upmanship and winning over. If the parner accomplishes something, the abuser views her accomplishment competitively.

When the partner does not recognize that her mate is angry because of his competitive approach to their relationship, she may believe that she has said or done something to give him an erroneous and hurtful impression. A raging blast such as "You think you do all the work!" is accusatory and confusing, especially when it is actually the partner's feelings of mutuality and her desire to contribute which has motivated her in the first place. Her feelings end up being the opposite of what she is told they are. Over time this kind of abuse is killing to the spirit.

Manipulation Versus Mutuality
Since the verbal abuser derivies his sense of power from Power Over, he feels powerless within. Feling powerless, he may get what he wants through indirect and devious means. This is manipulation. One way of manipulating and closing off communication is to respond to a partner's attempt to discuss a problem with, "I never say anything right!" This is a covert way of saying, "I can't change and I won't discuss the issue." At other times the verbal abuser may pretend not to understand or to have forgotten what his partner is talking about when she brings up an issue of deep concern to her.

There are many ways to manipulate another person, including being "friendly" only when one expects to get something from the other, suggesting disasterous outcomes to another's plans, and acting as if something has been agreed to or decided that hasn't been argreed to or decided. The following is an example of manipulative verbal abuse.

Hostility Versus Good Will
All verbal abuse is hostile. The partners of verbal abusers are universally dismayed to realize this. "Why would he be hostile towards me?" they ask themselves in dismay? It is important for any female in an abusive relationship to realize that she hasn't done anything to make him hostile.

The abuser's hostility may be expressed overtly or covertly. He may vent his anger frequently, or he may never reveal it, preferring, instead, to manipulate and subtly control his partner.

One women that was interviewed who had left a manipulator observed that after he had broken several court orders so that he could make her life as miserable as possible, he called her and said that if she came back to him all of her misery would end. He was, in fact, continuing to deny that he was the source of all her misery.

Hostility is expressed directly when the abuser blasts his partner. However, every blast may be so filled with accusation that the partner may believe that her mate's anger is her fault. If she accepts accusatory blame, in all probability she would be shocked to actually understand that her mate is being hostile towards her.

When there is good will in a relationship there is a reaching out--a conscious concern for the other's well-being. Just as the partner asks, "What are you angry about?" her mate asks, "What is upsetting you?"

Control Versus Intimacy
When the abuser refuses to discuss a problem, he prevents all possibility of resolution. In this way he exercizes control over the interpersonal reality. Parnters are frequently left with a sick, hurt feeling that is never really resolved.

All abuse is dominating and controlling. Verbal abuse used to control the partner without the partner's knowledged is called "crazymaking." "The sustaining of power seems to be one key factor in CM [crazymaking] behavior. It appears to be a way of asserting dominance while denying its existence or the wish for it."(Bach and Deutsch, p. 270)

Verbal abuse closes the door to true communication and intimacy. Intimacy in a relationship requires mutuality. Mutuality requires good will, openness, and a willingness to share one's self.

The abuser cannot control his partner and be intimate with her at the same time. Intimacy is lacking if there is no equality, partnership, mutuality, and good will. "Intimate love is fun, sexy, romantic, inspiring. Whether you have it in your relationship has little to do with how many years you've been together, but depends instead on how often and how deeply you share yourselves with eachother." (Paul, 1983, p. 124)

Negation Versus Validation
Because of his need for dominance and his unwillingness to accept his partner as an equal, the verbal abuser is compelled to negate the perceptions, experiences, values, accomplishments, and plans of his partner. Consequently, the partner may not even know what it is like to feel supported and validated in her relationship. She may taken his negation as a lack of common interest or as a misunderstanding. In truth, a verbal relationship is more or less constant invalidation of the other such as, "Yes, I understand how you're feeling." "Is this what you mean?" "I hear you."

The anguish and confusion which the partner experiences from the abuse is compounded by the abuser's negation and invalidation of both the abuse and it's effects.

The National Domestic Violence Hotline
1-800-799-SAFE
1-787-3224
http://www.ndvh.org/
Break the Silence, Make the Call

National Resource Center on Domestic Violence
1-800-537-2238
www.nrcdv.org/